Help for the Helpless
I am going to write a post declaring my dating strageties. In the last 48 hours I have been told by my Stake President and the Prophet of God that marriage needs to be a priority for me. I have been in a hole, a rut, deep despair as of late and I am not sure why. I have been on probably 6 or 7 first dates in the last month and I am feeling further from finding anyone I am really intrested than I have in a long time. I have been told by some to be more aggressive and ask out random girls. Another has suggested that I give up all hope. While another has told me that I have to be more persistent with one girl. I was talking to Jay Kelleher today and he told me to lower my standards, I quote "if she can breath and she's got legs, go for her!!" To say the least I really am sick and tired of thinking about and it seems that the more I think the less motivated I am. On top of all that I have come to the realization that money does not grow on trees and taking girls out costs money. I have decided that I will date based on these three principles.
1. I plan on focusing much more energy in other aspects of my life. School, rehabing my knee, church calling, community service of some kind, etc.
2. When I do date I will be date with courage. This means when I want to ask a girl out I will do it. Even if the situation seems a little strange. In short, it's time for me to be a MAN!!!!!!!!!
3. I am tired of first dates and will keep them to a minimum. I plan on asking out the same girl more than once, even though I am not sure how interested I am.
I think these are solid principles that will serve me well. It is time to stop worrying and to find a little patience. The Lord smiles on a patient and righteous heart and I hope I have a little bit of both in me.
8 comments:
Way to take heart, Addie! Maybe you've just got to wait for her to get home from her mission...or graduate high school. :)
Look at your older brother, Ad - my dear husband. He'd all but given up hope. He did all of the things he thought he should to find a wonderful woman. After all of that and nothing to show for it but a broken spirit (joking, Ty), I came out of nowhere! Really, I am amazed at how Heavenly Father lead us to each other. We both did all that we thought to do on our own and then we found each other in the most unexpected place.
I remember at my littlest sister's wedding in Sept. 2004, I told my aunt that I felt like I was going to get married by the end of that year! Pretty bold for someone who had just ended a relationship and had no real prospects. I couldn't shake that feeling, even though it scared me a bit. Just a few weeks later came the impression to join e-harmony and you know the rest of the story!
I think that you are both patient and righteous and the Lord is going to reward you big time! Give Him a chance to get everything in line for you...and keep doing your part. Whoever lands Adam Foster is a lucky lady!
Addie,
I will now pontificate on my philosphy of dating and finding a woman. I am somewhat of an expert in this field as you can tell by the results of my efforts all those years ago.
First, let me tell you that you are a very good man. The woman who realizes that first will be on your doorstep so just know that you have a good basis for woman to fall madly and deeply in love with you.
You have a tendency to make friends very easily...people like you, both girls and guys,and while this is a wonderful characteristic, I think women sometimes take that as you aren't really interested in pursuing anything deeper....you just are a friendly guy and they like you for that. Don't change that my any means but be more aggressive toward those you associate with...all these "friends" when you see a potential person you could fall in love with. Don't let it drag on as a "friends only" type thing if you want to pursue it. Pounce Addie....Pounce!!
Of course the old strategy of playing hard to get is always a good one. It works every time. One of the things that make you attactive to the ladies is the illusion of your unavailablity. Trust me on this one Addie.
I have never understood the random asking out alternative you mentioned. That is like throwing darts blinding at the wall. You know, throw it up on the wall and see what sticks kind of thing. It might work, but chances are it won't as there is no basis for a relationship other than another 1st date.
It is really true that sometimes it takes many, many dates for the chemistry to develop for something to click. Remember alot of these girls are going out with different guys every week. They are probably as frustrated as you are at not making progress in the area of finding a spouse so dating more than once or twice is a good thing, I think. At some point you have to either go forward with a more serious relationship or drop it and move on with someone else if things are clicking, but I think several dates....by yourself, not group dates, is a really good thing.
I also think that on these dates you need to do more than have fun....not that fun isn't a big thing in itself. But I think after a few dates you have to explore your compatibility in lots of areas; spiritual, social, political, what kind of family you want to have, where you want to live, interests like music, outdoors, sports, music, and on and on. In other words, I think fairly early on you have to get beyond the superficial level of just enjoying each other and find out what the two of you really have in common or not in common.
If all that isn't enough I have two words for you......
E-Harmonny
Ty and Dana are living examples that it works.
Above all, Addie, continue to be a rightous man, a spiritual man, a goal driven man and just a good person and Miss Right will find you. There aren't that many good men out there so at some point the cream will rise to the top a woman will see you for what you really are.
Love ya, Bud
Dad
Ad-
I recommend the "giving up hope" technique, which might more gently be called the "Watched Pot Never Boils" technique.
Especially at BYU, you get bombarded with the message that if you ain't got a honey, you ain't got nothin'. While this is largely true, if you focus on what you don't have, you miss out on a lot of opportunities at this juncture in your life.
It doesn't mean that you don't continue to search for Miss Right, but rather that you move on, focus on other areas of priority, and let what happens, happen.
I myself benefitted greatly from this technique . . . twice, in fact, with Elizabeth. The day before I met her, I abandoned my singular goal of meeting the right one. Shazzamm! There she was in Cosmo's Connection the next day.
Then, shortly before she was back from her mission, I had reached rock bottom with two other girls. I pulled myself out of a deep funk by reassuring myself that I was doing well in other areas, I was going to medical school, I was EQP, and that the Lord had a plan for me. Kaboom! A couple of weeks later and Elizabeth was back from her mission, and she and I both knew immediately that things were right.
So that's my advice. Stop watching the pot, and before you know it, it'll be boilin' over, a "churnin' urn of burnin' funk," to quote Mr. James Taylor.
From personal experience, I wouldn't recommend the random dating technique. Trust me.
Adam,
My advice: Get rid of the requirement that she has legs as I think that narrows the field too much for you. There are plenty of nice girls who get around in wheel chairs or have prosthetic legs. Let's keep all you options on the table until you are forced to take them off.
As for the breathing thing, that is important, Jay is right on on that one. Don't back off at all on that requirement...
Two ideas:
1. Mail-order bride from Russia or Japan.
2. Track down those cute sister missionaries you teach once they come home.... An almost universal fact of sister missionaries that I observed: they love and respect their MTC teachers...that's a pretty good start to a relationship. The downside to this one is that it takes a year and a half of lead time.
But remember this little fact as well: a sister missionary can be honorably released from her mission at any time!
Just a little advice from one who has been there...
Way to go, Tankfos. You'll find her. Just don't give up! I agree with Dana--she's going to be a lucky girl! I'm pretty excited to meet her.
I think your rules sound good, especially if you feel like they're what you need to do right now. When it comes to dating, advice is everywhere, and while most of it is good, you just have to do what you think is right for you. Go with your gut. Good luck!
Give up man! She ain't never coming. Actually, I have already told you my advice. Remember it is about attitude not actually getting results from it!!!
Ah, Addie -- I feel your pain, man. as a veteran of many failed attempts at finding Mr. Wendi (*snicker*), I know well what kind of frustration you must be feeling. Of course I never had the added factor of pressure from my religious community to consider, but it's clear that nearly all of your brothers / sisters-in-law are in a far better position to comment on that than I am.
That said, I would like to throw my two cents into the pile -- BE PICKY. Granted, not so ridiculously picky that you'll date no one at all, but picky enough where you're not feeling browbeaten into marrying the first lady that comes along merely to have the whole ordeal over and done with. While I certainly understand that the LDS church places an extremely high regard on marriage (for the record, so do I), I think that choosing your life partner is not something to be done under duress, at least not ideally. Yes, it's possible for two people to "grow into" a marriage, but what can I say? I'm a little old fashioned when it comes to the notion of meeting and falling in love before one gets married. ;-)
No matter what happens, remember what your family has been telling you all along -- that you're a wonderful guy with a lot to offer any woman, and you've got those great Addie-baddie looks to boot. You're sure to make a lucky gal very happy someday...just try not to feel too rushed into things. Give yourself a break and have some fun!
Post a Comment